For Noel
by SunGoddess7
Summary: One man can't stand to live without the woman he loves...


(Disclaimer: This songfic is based on concepts by Andy and Larry Wachowski, which I do not own nor claim to own. This also incorporates the song 'Blurry' by Puddle of Mudd, which I also do not own. The plot and characters are mine, though, and I'd appreciate you people not taking them ;) Please be sure to be a responsible reader and review at the end of this piece. Thank you.) 

__

Everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake. Everybody's empty and everything is so mess up…

Her name is Noel, and I love her more than life itself. 

I love her name. Her name is just so…her. It's perfect, just like her. Noel. The very name itself conjures images of tinkling bells, midnight snows and hot cider by the fire. That's what attracted me to her; her name made me think of home. Just being with her and holding her was like being home, and that's why I feel so lost out here. 

I hate these people. I hate them for taking me from her, from my Noel. This world is sick, disgusting, surreal. And yet, at the same time, it makes sense. The only people who ever seemed actually real, who actually seemed to matter in that crackpot world, were Noel and me. Just us, and everybody else was some kind of hologram projected around us, which is actually pretty close to the truth, sadly. 

They say I'm not mentally stable enough to go back in. They say the shock of releasing me has thrown me into some kind of cerebral shock and now I'm suffering from temporary insanity. Bull shit. I just want Noel. If they'd let me in, if they'd let me see her, I'd be fine. If they let me hold her I'd be so sane they'd think they were the crazy ones. But no, they keep me in the Med Wing the whole damn time; afraid I might go beserk on them at any moment. I'll only go beserk if they say I can't go in, ever. 

So I guess I need to start working on being a good little boy so they'll let me in. This is so stupid.

__

Preoccupied without you, I cannot live at all. My whole world surrounds you, I stumble and I crawl…

They've finally deemed me sane enough to leave the Med Wing, but not enough to go into the Matrix. That makes me angry; they get my hopes up, thinking that I'll finally get to see her again, and then shut the door in my face. Those sadistic creeps. Why did I ever agree to any of this? I should have taken the blue pill. Then I could still be with Noel, and I could still be living. 

Oh, sure, my heart's beating, and I'm breathing, but I can't live without her. Not actually live. I'm dying on the inside without her, and if I don't see her soon, I'll die completely. I'll just be some hollow shell, a Gideon robot that moves on its own. 

They still make me work, though. They're putting my mechanical skills to use on the ship. They have me down in its underbelly, fixing this and that. Many a time I've been tempted to sabotage something, just make a little explosion, something to rock them, but then the thought of how it might affect the Core and my chances of seeing Noel come to mind, and I just keep working. I feel like I'm in prison; they might let me in early on good behavior. 

Ironic, isn't it? I've been kept in a mental prison my whole life, and now that I'm finally free, finally out of its oppressive grasp, the only thing I want is to be back in again. 

Not permanently, of course. I just want to get in and save Noel. She doesn't deserve that life at all. If anyone deserves to be free, it's Noel. And that's my vow to her. You hear me Noel? I'm coming for you. I'm going to get in there and I'm going to rescue you, like the knight in shining armor you always wanted me to be. 

__

And you could be my someone, you could be my scene. You know that I'll protect you from all of the obscene. I wonder what you're doing, imagine where you are. There's oceans in between us, that's not very far! 

It's night. Or is it? You can't tell when you're in a ship all day and the sky is scorched up above. Even if I were to look out the captain's cockpit all I'd see is darkness. We ride the tunnels like all the other Rebels, going in once in a while, stirring up a little trouble, freeing minds.

Wait, I should correct that. The crew, _excluding _me goes in. I stay on the ship and work my ass off so they can go in and cavort the fact that they have the freedom to do so and I don't. God, I hate this. 

What are you doing, Noel? Are you at home, sleeping on the sofa, wondering where I am? Are you at work, sobbing at your computer, hoping I'll show up again soon? Because I know you're missing me. I know you love me just as much as I love you. I'm not dead, Noel, don't give up on me! Don't forget me, Noel, I'm alive! I hope somehow that whatever it is that connects our hearts will connect our minds for just a few seconds, and that message will reach her. I'm here, Noel! Just hold on! A few more days, and I'll be there. I'll free you, and you'll be out of there and you'll be with me and everything will be all right. You just wait. I promise you. 

__

Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me! Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Well you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me! 

Those bastards! Those sick sons of a bitches! I hate them! I hate them! 

They say I can't free her. They say that they can only take computer knowledgeable minds, and that the shock of being in a world where computers run everything and not understanding computers would destroy her. They don't know! They don't know how strong Noel is! She could take it! With me right there beside her, I know she could take it! 

I'm going to do it anyway, even if I have to do it myself. I'm getting you out of there, Noel, and they can't stop me. There's no way I'm going to let you rot away in some power plant, used up like a Duracell for all-powerful machines. It's not going to happen. Not as long as I'm alive. 

They say it's too dangerous. They say the Agents are watching her, since they know how close she is to me. I don't believe them. I bet they're just saying that so I won't come after her. Well they don't know me, and they don't know how much I love Noel. Nothing they could say to me would stop me from freeing her. They don't know I can't live without her, that we're two halves of a whole. They don't know, and they can't stop me.

__

Everyone is changing, there's no one left that's real. Make up your own ending, and let me know just how you feel…

Maybe I was wrong about these people after all. I still hate them, but they seem to try to understand now. It's almost sweet, that they make an attempt to reach me. The minute I was on this ship I abandoned them. I went right to my room and I cried. You know those tears were for you, Noel, who else? I knew I'd probably never see you again and so I cried every last tear I could. The captain realizes what it is I want to do. Mace is suspicious of me, and I know that if there were a reason I wouldn't be able to go in, it would be because of him. 

It's really just him, though. Everyone else is giving me my space, and is generally nice to me when they see me. If I don't show up for meals, someone usually brings me food on a tray, and when I do actually show my face, they give me polite smiles. But I see what they're really thinking; they think I'm just some poor love-struck sap. I can see it in their eyes, the way they look at me with all that pity. 

Well they can pity me all they want, but I'm the one that pities them. They don't know what it's like, to be in love like I am. We're really, truly, deeply in love, and they just don't understand it, so they pity me. They call me a wreck and a fool, but I don't care. As long as they let me in eventually, I couldn't care less what they think of me. Because when Noel gets here, she'll be all that matters to me. She's all that matters to me, even now, but when I finally release her, I'll care even less about them. They're not important. 

All that matters is getting Noel free. 

__

'Cause I am lost without you, I cannot live at all. My whole world surrounds you, I stumble and I crawl. And you could be my someone, you could be my scene. You know that I will save you from all of the unclean….

I got lost on my way to the Core today. I guess I haven't been conscious as much as I thought I had been. The captain, Mace, never showed me around in the first place. In fact, the only thing I remember of my waking up was screaming 'Noel!' before they plunged a needle full of sedatives into my arm. I don't like that captain. Not at all.

The Core really is an amazing place. Despite the fact that I hate this situation and the fact that I'm not with Noel, I can't help but marvel at all this new technology. I never would have thought of it in a million years, and yet here it sits in front of me. Data spikes that plug into your neck like Christmas lights. The ultimate virtual reality simulation in which you can't tell the difference between the dream world, and the real world. EMP, the Construct, all of it is incredibly amazing to me, as an ex-software writer. I just can't believe it all.

I really didn't want to, but I found myself sitting in the chair at the computer console in the Core, messing around in the different programs, trying to familiarize myself with this incredibly new (to me) technology. I'd like to say I have a good handle on computers and that I know more than the average computer techie, but this stuff flew right over my head like a flock of seagulls. It was incredible; there's no other word to describe it. 

But it's all secondary. Learning this stuff is only going to help me get closer to Noel, to freeing her, to bringing her back to me. 

Hang on, Noel! Don't forget me yet!

__

I wonder what you're doing, I wonder where you are. There's oceans in between us, but that's not very far!

They've detained me again. I'm sorry Noel, but I couldn't wait any longer. I couldn't stand the thought of being without you another day, so I tried to hack in myself. And I almost made it, too. It was night; everyone was asleep, except for me. I don't think I've actually slept since I arrived here. I couldn't stop myself. Before I knew what I was doing, I had strapped myself into the chair and was typing in my information. I was just getting ready to plug in when Strobe, the operator, strode in on me and stopped me. 

So now I'm back in the med wing, and usually under sedatives. I can't help but wonder, are there crazy people in the real world? Obviously, there are crazy people in the Matrix, but what about out here, on the outside? You'd think there'd be a lot more crazy people in this world than in the Matrix. Things are normal in there. Here, it's lunacy. Just looking out on what used to be cities is enough to drive you over the edge. Knowing the truth, I think, would send just about anybody to the loony bin. 

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe none of this is real, that I'm really just some delusional psychopathic freak who's stuck in Happy Acres Mental Hospital out in the country, thinking I know the truth about what this world is like, that everyone is living a façade. It can't be, though, because I know Noel isn't a figment of my imagination. There's no way she could be. She's perfect enough to be not real, but I know she is. She has to be real, or else there's nothing for me to live for out here. I don't think I'm crazy though; not even a crazy person would make the food this bad.

I feel like she's floating just out of my reach, like those dreams where you try to reach the end of the tunnel, but the light just keeps getting further and further away with every step. This perfect thing, always directly in sight, but every time I reach out for her, she gets further and further away. I can't stand this. Noel, there's so much in between us. Your very consciousness is something that separates us, but I don't care. I'd do anything for you, Noel, you know that, and I plan on doing just that.

Anything.

__

Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Well, you shoved it in my face, this pain you gave to me…

It's been weeks, and they've finally taken me out of that Med Wing. Thank God; I thought I really was going to loose my mind, the way they kept me drugged so much. I think I fought them a couple times; there are red marks across my shoulders and on my legs where restraining straps would be. I don't remember most of it, I wasn't awake long enough. But I do remember when they finally let me out. 

I've been able to control myself. I've done my work on the ship, I've pointed out a few glitches they had in their Construct programs, I ate my food without much ado, and I've finally started sleeping again. Not real sleep, though. Just that place between sleep and reality that I can stay in long enough to make it look like I'm sleeping. Most times, when I'm there, I don't even need to close my eyes. I just do it so that when they check in on me I look like I'm sleeping. 

I'm actually pretty surprised I'm even still here. I'd thought that I was such a nuisance they'd transfer me over to Zion, or a ship for the mentally deranged, or something like that. But I guess they had a lot of faith in me, and now their efforts have pulled off. It's like getting 'Sanity' stamped back on the file that is my life. I would feel proud if I weren't so focused on getting into the Matrix, which is why I'm even talking right now.

They're letting me in. It's finally happened; a mission has come up that's so desperate that they need me. There's a chip in the Matrix that they need to find before the Agents do, because it contains some kind of valuable information. They won't tell me what the information is, though, "for my own safety," they say. How cliché. I bet they just think that I'm so crazy I'd waltz right up to the Agents and tell them everything I know. So much for having faith in me.

I feel a little bad, though, because I don't plan on doing the mission with them. I have my own private mission I'm going on as soon as I can slip away. Since I haven't been in the Matrix, the Agents don't know me yet, and that makes it easier to maneuver about, which means I'll find Noel faster. My plan is this; as soon as the opening comes, I'm leaving the group and finding a phone. I'm going to call Noel, and tell her to meet me at Our Park. It's our own special place that we always went to when we wanted to be alone. Since the swings are so rusted, no children come by, and since it's so out of the way, no power-walkers or marathon runners use it to train on. It's perfect, and that's where I plan to meet her. I know she'll come; she has to! I think I'd die if she didn't. 

I'm going to tell her everything. The truth is the least of what she deserves, and that's the only gift I can give her right now, other than my love. 

And now I'm going to the Core. It's finally happening! Noel, I'm coming for you! Just a little bit longer, Noel! I'm coming!

__

Nobody told me what you thought, nobody told me what to say. Everyone showed you where to turn, showed you when to run away…

We're in the Construct, suiting up. Actually, we're already suited up, and everyone one of us in black. I think the black leather is the power suit of the Resistance, kind of like the antithesis of the sharp brown suits of the Agents. Not only are we opposite in the fact that we fight for different causes, but dammit, we're going to look different, too! It's kind of funny. I like the black sweater I'm wearing, though. It's like the upper official black sweaters issued by the army, with the leather on the elbows and the opulent-like things on the shoulders. It's actually quite comfortable, and reminds me a lot of a sweater Noel gave me once for Christmas. She said black brought out my eyes, so whenever we went somewhere special, I'd wear the sweater. She'll like what I'm wearing now. I hope it helps to ease the pain of the truth, though I think that that task would take a down feather mattress and a bottle of Advil. 

And suddenly the endless blank white of the Construct disappeared into an infinite black crawling with green code, and that too, dissolved into the simulated reality of the Matrix.

Coming back after hearing the truth, it makes it a lot harder to believe it isn't real. I can feel the moldy floorboards under my feet, I can smell the strange scent of stale urine, and the metallic scent of blood in the dingy, abandoned building. I can see light filtering through the loose boards, and I can hear the sound of life outside, of cars rumbling down streets and people yelling at each other. So real… so real…

"Okay people, I want you to split up," Mace was saying. "You each have a cell phone. You find anything, you call me and I'll be right there. If you see an Agent, run, call Strobe, and he'll find you an exit before alerting us that you're leaving. Coppice?" 

I almost laughed out loud; it was too good to be true! This was going to be so much easier than I thought. But instead, I settled for a smile and nodded. Mace opened the door and out we rushed, the rest out to search, me to call Noel. 

Making sure I was as far away from the rest of the group as possible, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed her number, which had long since engraved itself upon my brain. I knew it better than I knew my binary coding. I think I almost cried at the sound of her voice. It was like having an angel say 'hello' to me.

"Noel!" I cried into the phone. "Noel, it's me."

"G-Gideon?" she asked, her voice fearful to believe. I wanted to laugh and sing and cry all at the same time. She was alive, and she recognized my voice!

"Yes! Noel, I can't talk on here for long. Meet me at our park in fifteen minutes, okay?"

"Okay…" she said. I couldn't hang up the phone. I just couldn't, not with her on the other line.

"I love you," I finally said, before forcing myself to wrench away the phone and press the 'off' button. Right. She knew where to go; all I had to do was get there, and since I was stuck way on the other side of town, it might take me while. But I'd run around the world for Noel, and so the other side of town seemed like no problem at all. 

Ten minutes later, I was finally at our park and quite out of breath. Sitting down on a bench, I stretched my arms over the back and tried to catch my breath. Running from one side of town to the other really takes it out of you, but I tried to put it out of my mind. It wasn't real, remember? I'm not really out of breath, it's just my mind telling me I am. 

And then _she_ appeared, like a goddess coming down from heaven. 

__

Nobody showed you where to hide, nobody showed you what to say. Everyone showed you where to turn, showed you when to run away…

Red hair flowing in the breeze, and the light glinting off her green eyes, she approached. Oh God, those eyes! Like grass right after a sweet summer rain, only a million times better. I jumped from the bench and ran to her, which caught her attention, so now we were running at each other, and when we finally collided, I lost my breath all over again. Her arms were so tight around my middle, but I don't think my grip was any looser around her. She was here! I was really holding her and breathing in the scent of her. I'd forgotten what she smelled like; like baby oil with an undertone of some sweet herb that was distinctly her. Her shoulders were heaving, and I pulled just far enough away to look at her face. Tears were cutting ravines down her face, but she was smiling. 

"God, Gideon, I-I thought you were dead!" she sobbed, looking at me in disbelief. I cupped her face in my hands, 

"I'm here Noel, I'm here," I murmured, drawing her to me again. This was right, having her against me. She fit against me so perfectly, her head right at my shoulder and her arms around me and mine around her. Perfect. A match made in heaven. She pulled her head off of my shoulder and pulled my face down to hers. I was in sensory overload. I was holding her and she was kissing me and oh God, it was incredible. How had I lived so long without her? How could I have ever left her? This was the only true thing left to me, the only thing left that was real. Her and me. Noel and Gideon.

Unwillingly, I broke the kiss. "Noel, I have to tell you something. And you can't think I'm crazy, because it's the complete truth. I'd never lie to you, so you have to believe me."

Noel's eyes searched my face, confused. "Gideon, what's going on? Wha--what are you talking about?"

"The Matrix. Noel, you're a slave! Everyone is! Look, in the real world, machines rule everything, including us. We're like their own private stash of batteries, and this is what the use to keep us unknowing. We're in the Matrix right now; none of this is real! But I can free you, Noel, and you can be with me in the real world. It's miserable, but it's real, and you can't stay here, Noel, you can't!"

Her eyebrows knitted together, her mouth hanging open. "No…it's not true! I don't understand…Gideon, what--what…" But she was unable to finish her sentence because green coding started to fall down her face, which was rapidly melting away into the code. 

"Oh no…" I murmured, just now realizing what was going on.

And realizing, at just that moment, that I had no gun. 

__

Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? 

I ran. She'd already begun the morphing, and if I lingered I'd be dead much quicker. Bullets sparked up on the pavement around my ankles. Bullets fired by the Agent that had previously been Noel. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have thought that they wouldn't use her as well?

Oh Noel! I'm so sorry! If I live through this, they'll kill you, I know they will! They'll know that I'll want to free you, and they'll kill you! NO! This can't be happening! Not Noel…

Kill me. 

__

Can you take away the pain? The pain you gave to me…

I feel the shot through my ankle, like a hot poker being shoved right through the tendon. Crying out in agony, I fall to the cement ground, the gravel scraping tiny cuts into my face, my palms stinging from where I'd thrown them out to break my fall. And I hear the click of a gun right behind my head. 

__

This pain you gave to me…

"Good bye, Mr. Dougherty," the Agent said in that cruel drawl that in the last seconds of my life I now associated with death. And then the blow to my head. 

In those last crucial seconds, as the bullet blew through my brain and left blood stains on the gravel, I was able to make one last conscious thought through the darkness that was rapidly consuming my vision, consuming me.

Forgive me, Noel! Forgive me…

Noel. 

__

--fin-

(A/N: This is the second in a possible series of four songfics that I plan on writing. To read the first, look for 'Iris--A Matrix Songfic'. Please remember to R&R. Thanks.) 


End file.
